1. To Mom, whose undying love is almost worth the constant judgment.
2. Since I’m not sure which restroom you use now, I’m also sending you a Father’s Day card.
3. Mom, you raised me to be the proud Bernie supporter I am today. Got a few hundred bucks to spare?
4. Our relationship is stronger than ever. Probably because I still live in your basement.
5. Mom, no gift could ever repay what you’ve done for me over the years. So why bother, right?
6. This isn’t a day to make you feel bad . . . but do you think you could tell me the name of my dad?
7. You fed me, you clothed me, you took me to all those parks. Now it’s time for me to say: Sorry for all those stretch marks!
8. Happy Mother’s Day! Your turn: What’s my inheritance?
9. Mom, thanks for ignoring that silly concussion hysteria and allowing me to play football. And also, thanks for ignoring that silly concussion hysteria and allowing me to play football.
10. This Mother’s Day, let’s sing a tune . . . to a woman as gorgeous as Mama June!
11. I love you to the moon and back and I’m sorry I got addicted to crack.
12. You taught me right from wrong, so I’m doing the right thing and offering you a hit from this bong.
13. Thanks for bringing me into the ladies’ room before it was cool.
14. This Mother’s Day, I hope nothing rankles . . . you or your gigantic cankles.
15. You’re the world’s greatest mom. Which is why I asked you to be my date to the prom.
16. This Mother’s Day, let’s all promise we’ll NEVER stop celebrating meaningless, completely fabricated Hallmark holidays!